Release and let go…

Big changes are happening to me. Recently I had my very last EMDR session. It was a difficult and extremely heavy process. A process that asked the most out of me, mentally and pshysically. But at the same time, it was a real enlightening process. A crazy combination, but exacty what it is meant to be. Namely, to relive everything and store these memories in a better way, which makes it all feels so much lighter in the end.

So right now, I am super excited about working on the future. Let the past be the past. Focus on heren and NOW, and the future.

But before that, it is finally time to do something. A special thing, that I never dared to do, up until now. That is writing a letter to my mother, with which I can find closure of many years of pain and hurt. Time to finish this chapter, and start a new one. Or even better, start a whole new book!

So, here I am. Gathering all my courage to hit publish on this post. Release and move on, sort of.

Because I just know that there is ALWAYS someone who needs to read this. Needs to see how strong we as humans are. No matter how bad a situation is…

Here we go

To my mother,

After all these ears, I still can’t call you mom. It’s too sweet, too loving. Drenched in unconditional love. Love that I just don’t feel for you. No matter how much better I feel now, it’s a title that you don’t deserve. You are my biological mother, but that’s all. I don’t have a mom, haven’t had that for years now.

Hell is a place that I have been in, because of you. Not only have I visited hell, I have lived there for many years. Because now I know: hell exists. Hell is a place that belongs to everyone. A place where anyone can come. No matter who you are, or what you do. It can happen to anyone.

Hell – It’s a place…
so dark
so lonely
so scary
so filled with monsters

Hell is a place that is just so extremely intense and dark that there seems to be no way out. Sure, there is 1 way out, and that is to end it. To end your life. And that idea only gave me some peace of mind for the last years. Knowing I could always end it. Finally have peace.

Do you realize how far you pushed me then? That I wasn’t even thinking about the consequences anymore? About what this would do to my amazing hubby? To my wonderful kids? How much pain they would go through if I would end my life? It did nothing to me. I couldn’t care less about what pain they would go through. All I cared about was finally getting my deserved peace.

Playing around with asprins. Thinking about how many I could take. How many I would need to take. Or asking, begging and even praying for a terrible accident to happen to me. Whatever was needed for me to feel something, or completely nothing anymore.

Meanwhile, I have learned that you are not OK. Mentally ill. That your illness should be something that makes sense of what you did.

Why you did what you did
Why you kept hurting me
Why you didn’t want me happy
Why you wanted to destroy it all
Why you acted all crazy
Why you had to steal things
And why you even turned to black magic. Against me!

You just did whatever you could to hurt me. Out of jealousy. Anger even. You hurt me to my core. Because everything that I did, was wrong. You rejected everything I did!

You disapproved my choices
You disapproved my body
you disapproved my love
You disapproved my creativity
You disapproved my knowlegde
You disapproved my personality
You disapproved ME.

My own mother, who disapproved her own flesh and blood. Her own child. ME.
I now know this is “the root of all evil”, in my past. My lack of self worth, self respect, love for myself. It all got to a level of extreme lows. Because: if my own mother can’t love me the way that I am, then what is my worth? Apparantly nothing.

For years this has been my inner voice. I didn’t know any better. You disapproved my very essence, so I just followed you in this. I started to disapprove myself too. Who I really was, just didn’t matter anymore. My very existence was not OK, so that’s what became my way of living. I became non-existent. Buried my true self deep down under, beacuse it was of no use anymore.

It even got to the point that I just couldn’t cry anymore. You told me I was not allowed to. It was a sign of weakness, was what you said. Even though I was dying inside from all the hurt, I was not allowed to cry. You thougt it was just nonsense to cry. So I buried that emotional part of me too.

Feeling emotions such as anger and fear? Sure, at first I was angry at you. It came to the point where I was consumed with anger, where I knew that I was pushed over the edge. Even that far, that I could actually understand why anyone would kill someone out of anger. I was constantly afraid of you and what you would do. But feeling angry or scared just didn’t help me at all. These were emotions that we not handy at all in this situation, so I finally shut all emotions out. I didn’t live anymore. I only tried to survive, day by day, week by week, year after year.

Talking about what was going on in our home was not an option. I was not allowed to. And if I ever did try anything, you payed your game. That’s what you’re good at. Acting. Acting as if nothing was going on. Acting as if we were just a normal family. Acting as if you were the most amazing, loving and caring mother. Acting as if I were the crazy one. Acting if it was all my fault.

For years on end I have done well. Fact is that I don’t see you anymore or speak to you anymore. I truly survived, even though it was all based on some strange coping skills. Not feeling emotions, being though, always going on. Just ask me and I’ll take care of it, no questions asked. Not at all thinking about what I need and want.

Till the point that I just couldn’t go on anymore. It was really up or down. Endig it all, or finding the right help. I got the help that I needed! The right help, at exactly the right time. My doctors took me serious. They took my story serious. Hell, the first doctor I spoke to, even saw the real damage in me, even though I didn’t see it at that time. And then fortunately, I got the so highly needed EMDR therapy.

Thanks to all the help I got, I now realize that I am worthy of living. That I even like myself, and that it’s more than OK to like myself. That I even find myself friendly, kind, loving, caring, funny, smart. Heck, I can just go on about this. But this is something I just recently learned, so it’s all new to me.

During one of the final EMDR sessions it hit me. I was always in search of the answer to the question “why you did these things to me”.

Many years I have searched for this answer. I not only wanted to know the answer, I wanted to understand it. Feel it, deep within me, on a soul level.

It got this power over me. I tried to imagine why you did it all. If I could ever do this to my kids. I read about it. Researched it. I spent so many hours trying to figure it out.
The things I read online were a source of recognition. Just reading the medical side of mentall illnesses gave me some form of relieve. I mean, I have known for ages that you are mentally ill. But reading this information made me learn so much more. It gave me so many new insights into you.

But did it give me the peace that I was looking for? This inner peace? Nope… Beacuse I wanted to know every damn thing. Surfing the internet, reading blogs, fora, medical researches. It consumed me!

My head was filled with new insights, to full to think normal. My heartrate was way too high. Adrenaline pumping through my body. And then it was time to go to bed… But sleeping? Now? No way! And that while sleep is so important to keep my fibromyalgia under control.

So during the last EMDR session, the question came up again (of course!).
* why did you do this to me?
* Am I not worthy of love?
* Am I not good enough?
* What have I done wrong?
* Why?

Serious questions. Questions that made me realize why I was always this unsecure. But now I know. I don’t need an answer to these questions. I am certainly not going to get these answers from you either.

And should I get it anyhow, it will probably be as meaningless and empty as you saying sorry to me some years ago. You remember, right? That email in which you finally said sorry. That email that is mostly filled with lies about why it took you so long. So here you have it, your “sorry” didn’t do anything. It didn’t change a thing.

But it’s OK. I let go now. I accept all of what’s happened. Hell yeah, now we’re at it: I even forgive you.

Not because what you did, is ok. Not because I understand it. But because it gives me peace. It is the way it is. It happened, and has been one hell of a life lesson.

A lesson in getting to know me. The real me. Learning about how strong and fierce I am. What I can handle as a human being. How far I can be pushed. Where my breaking point is.  And also that I accept myself for who I am. That it is OK to love myself. That it’s even required to love and accept myself unconditionally. And, that I can now inspire others with my life story.

Getting answers from you won’t change it. These are your answers. based on your perception, based on your life. Not ine, so it won’t resolve a thing for me.

I am me.
Shaped by my soul. Shaped by what happened in the past. Shaped by the choices I have made. The choices I am making today.

Because I honestly believe that we all get to choose who we are right here, right now. the kind of person you want to be.
Don’t want to live life being led by fear? Then choose this.
Don’t want to live life being led by sadness? Then choose this.

No, it’s not a choice that will come naturally. You will, you really WILL, fall back into making the same automated choices you always have. These choices have to be conscious choices to be a different person. To feel different. To think different. Every day again.

So: I now choose to go on. I choose to feel good. I now choose to, always, see the positive sides of everything. No matter how hard it can be. No matter how difficult some situations are.

I sincerly hope that you will get the help you so desperatly need, so that you too can feel better. Because I know this is not the way you want to live. Should live. Because no one should live this way that you do.

Thank you for all the life lessons I have learned this way. It was an immense rollercoaster ride. But I have learned my lesson. It is done now.

I let go.
I let you go.

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