One afternoon, I stand in our kitchen and try to hold on to the counter top with 1 hand. In the other hand, there’s strips of aspirins. I take one aspirin out and swallow it with some water. That’s not enough. I need more for it to stop. I take one more and hold still. OK. Still not enough. Now I take 2 aspirins out and swallow it with more water. And I think to myself: “It’s still not enough, I need more.”
I look down at the strips that I have in my hand and start counting how many I already took. But I don’t even care. I only want it to stop. Stop it all. It’s enough. I can’t do this anymore. Life is just too hard!
You see?! When I was around 18, my life drastically changed.
I clearly remember I was standing in my parents living room. In front of me is proof of a crime that is done. And it’s not the 1st time. I’m crying, shaking. My mother stares at me, eyes filled with hatred. And I? I want her to admit that SHE does this to me. Just admit it. Please, just say you’re sorry!
But deep within?
I just want to feel loved, heard. Why won’t they listen? Why doesn’t anyone believe me? She’s even trying to use black magic against me. Why doesn’t anyone care?!
As this young adult, I think to myself:
❓ If my own mother doesn’t think I deserve to be loved….
❓ If my own father doesn’t think I’m worthy of being protected…
❓ If they don’t feel the need to take care of me…
❓ And if no one believes me when I share the truth…
Perhaps I can’t be loved, I’m just not worthy. So I create a subconscious belief that I need to proof my worthiness to be loved.
By the time I am working in my first marketing job, I sit across my manager to talk about a raise. But she can’t do that. And I just don’t understand. What have I done wrong? I proved my worthiness, right? Later in another marketing position, I have a manager with similar characteristics as my mom. I’m afraid of him. I always check with my intuition what his mood is like. Still I do my job to perfection. “Does he see my worth?” In return, I get lash outs.
So I say to myself:
Let’s just start an online business. Then I don’t have to deal with other people and I get to make the rules. Should be easy with all my marketing knowledge and experience! And when I’m successful, famous and rich, then people will finally see my true worth.
So that’s what I do, I start an online business.
Two years later, I stand in the kitchen with those aspirins. “What the hell am I doing? Status, working hard and money sure isn’t going to proof my worthiness! Either I end my life now, or beat the C-PTSD and depression.”
That day, I chose life. Realizing that I need to change my MINDSET for a better future. To be happy. Feel worthy, loved, successful. It all comes from within. The deeper I dove into my own beliefs and thinking pattern, the more I unleashed and started to create new beliefs. The more I changed my beliefs, the more successful my business became. I dared to do different things, take bigger risks, invest in things. Took steps I never dared to do before, simply because I didn’t feel worthy.
Now I help amazing people JUST LIKE YOU, change their life story with the help of EMDR therapy and life coaching. All in addition to the reiki sessions that I have to offer, as well as my amazingly handy self-help workbooks.
And being multi-passionate, I also have a successful online store names scarfz.nl with which we earn multiple six figures, and sell our products worldwide.