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Listen to your body, it needs you!

Do you do what your body needs?
Do you listen to what it tells you?
Do you do what is asks of you?

Whether it is going to bed early. Taking a midday nap. Eating something specific. Or drinking something specific. Taking rest. Or even taking an extra step into action?

I believe, no I just KNOW, that our body always tells you exactly what it needs. You only need to tune in and listen to it.

Most people however, just ignore it.
Keep on going, while their body is asking for rest.
Running even faster, all the while their body starts screaming
“Stop it! You can’t go on like this!”

And then…
Your body will shut down itself.
It will literally force you to take the rest you need.
Whether you want to or not.
Your body just forces you.

I have been there myself.
So much stress inside of me.
Stress that was built up for years on end.

My body couldn’t take it anymore.
But I didn’t listen.
Just kept on running.

Because I knew…
That if I would sit still
Take a rest
Do nothing actively
It would hit me…
The pain, the hurt, the sadness, the incomprehension

So I just kept on going. In need of something, I’ll take care of it. Really last minute change to some big project I was working on? No problem at all. I’ll take care of it. I was in complete denial. As long I would act as if nothing is wrong, then perhaps it will all just go away.

Untill my body was done. Untill it actually shut down. Then I was really forced to listen to my body and its needs. The hurt, the pain and all the stress came out and showed itself as physical pain. Many days I could only lay on the coach, do nothing, except feel the pain and just cry.

After a year of medical researches and doctors appointments, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Good! Now I finally knew what title to give the pain. But that was it.  There is no miracle cure for Fibromyalgia.

Stuborn me though, I refused to simply accept it. So I did a lot of research into what I could do to lessen the symptoms. Now I know that reducing stress is the most important factor. For me, it’s simple: no stress = no pain.

Untill the day that my father passed away during my second pregnancy. The stress levels were extremely high, and showed itself in multiple ways.

I couldn’t think normally
I couldn’t concentrate
I couldn’t read e-mails or letters
I couldn’t understand numbers
I was sleeping bad
Eating bad and unhealthy
I was in a lot of physical pain

In countless ways my body was telling me that things had to change. That time, I started to listen to my body. Listen to what it needed of me.

And the crazy thing is…. I knew exacty what my body needed back then, but my mind refused to believe it. But I did it anyway.

Listen to my body
Ignore what was going on in my mind

Ignore what my ego was telling me

Because your mind, or your ego in most cases, can tell you a whole lot of BS. It is up to you to decide what you allow to believe. In fact, you can see it as if your mind or ego is playing tricks with you, if you allow it.

It tells you constantly that you’re not good enough. Not worthy enough. That you don’t even need to rest. That it is OK to ignore the pain and just keep on going. But also, that you absolutely need to eat that entire bar of chocolate. Or that pizza. And that eating health is totally overrated.

Listening to your body, it is so important. Your body ALWAYS knows exactly what it needs. What it craves.

So here I am right now. Enjoyig a nice warm cup of tea. While my mind keeps on wondering why on earth I drink tea now, instead of my normal cup of coffee. But nope, my body needs to right now. So I listen to it and act on it.

That’s why, right now, I am writing this message instead of doing so many other things that I should be doing. But I know I have to do this. Why? Because my body was screaming at me to let this message out. Not later, no right now!

So now I am curious. Do you listen to your body? To what it tells you? To what you really need?

High vibing frequency

That moment you, all of a sudden, realize your vibing on a “different frequency” than many others.

I was just in the IKEA. During the pregnancy of my youngest, I used togo there quite often. He could then just play in the special playground (he wasn’t going to school back then, but was more than ready for it), while I was enjoying a cappuccino with my big prego belly. And yes, I did drink coffee during my pregnancy. Not too much, but come on… As if I could or would quit drinking coffee at all.

But OK, the IKEA… I had to go there to get a little container. Little did I know I was too early. The store itself was still closed, only the restaurant part was open. No problem, then I’ll just have a cappuccino, just like old times.

So there I was. Enjoying a coffee, and listening to a meditation on my phone. Being in my own bubble. Happy, intensly happy. Accepting myself unconditionally. Just standing in the light. Surrounded by love.

All of a sudden I noticed it. All the sadness and emptiness in the eyes of most people there. I was shocked! Really shocked. Because – while I was enjoying all the self-love, the amazing meditation music and my coffee – I could see so many people who are not happy. With that glazed look in their eyes. An almost sad posture even.

And all I wanted to do, was spread the love. Share some of my own light. So that these people too (and it was actually quite busy there…) feel comfortable in their own skin. That they enjoy life. Accept themselves. Feel the love and light. Crazy me, I even wanted to hug people, and tell them that it would all be OK. Didn’t do that, of course! But the feeling was so strange, so new and so extremely different. There it was: the realization that I am now vibing on a different frequency.

But here’s the thing: no matter what happens in your life. No matter all the heartship you go through. In the end you decide what to make out of your life. It’s up to you. It’s your choice.

Yes, bad things happen. I’ve been through plenty, so I KNOW. But you get to decide how to deal with it. Either you decide to let it overcome you, and get stuck in this miserable hellhole and feel as if life sucks always. Or choose to make the best out of it. Choose to learn from your experiences and grow.

Life is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to feel good about yourself. Love yourself. Because that’s all this is about. Loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you really are. In the end, that is the thing that makes life amazing, lighter, brighter, better.

The power of meditation

A long time ago, I guess more than 10 years or so, I used meditation already. For me, it was a way to calm myself down. To feel better instantly by going to a “happy place” in my own mind. For a long time, years even, I haven’t used it anymore. Just didn’t feel like it.

But since a year or so, I am now using it as a daily tool. A tool with which I feel better, calmer even. More clear. I just love meditation. Even today I did a couple of meditation sessions, just because I felt that I needed it to get in a better place in my mind.

To me it’s not just a simple way of creating more inner peace. There actually is quite a process that goes with it. I always ask myself a few questions before starting:

– What is the goal of my meditation?
– Is it about a certain life goal?
– Is it about a specific topic or vision?
– If so, what am I going to meditate on?
– Or is it just to create inner peace?

Meditation around a life goal or vision
When meditating about a specific topic or goal I want to achieve, I combine it with visualization. Trying to make the image in my mind as clear as possible, by using all my senses. How does something feel? Is it warm, cold? What is the structure of what you feel? Is there a particular sound that comes along with your vision? A specific taste or smell even? Try to make it as complete as possible in your mind.
Not only is this amazing for your mindset and the actions that you will take afterwards. It also gives you an amazing feeling of accomplishment. Like, “hey, I can really do this”. A sense of feeling proud of what you have accomplished in your vision. A sense of feeling PROUD of yourself actually!

Meditation for inner peace
When meditating for inner peace and calmness, I mainly focus on my breath. Inhaling deeply, and slowly exhaling deeply too. By doing this for a few minutes, you enter a relaxing state quite easily.
In addition, imagine a glowing ball of golden light inside of you. Make this ball of glowing light grow with each breath you take. Growing and growing untill you’re completely surrounded by this light. Now let all negative emotions and feelings come up, and release them when you exhale. Just let go and feel your body relax even more..

There you have it: this is mindset work. Working on your own mindset, your way of acting and thinking. Because meditation is one of the most relaxing ways to instantly feel better.
There are more ways of doing so, sure. I prefer combining a multitde of ways. But meditation will always be my favourite. I love it so much, it kind of feels like an addiction. The inner calmness, the clarity of the way you get to look at the world, the focus you get from it. I just love it!

So now I’m curious: what do you do for mindset work? Or haven’t you yet tried anything?

Maybe you should try it too and see what it brings you. Perhaps you’ll also end up loving it.

Renewed vision of family

Let’s talk about family. What is your vision on family? Do you have a vision or not at all?

I have one. But over the years, I have come to the conclusion that this vision has hugely changed for me.

I have a family, my own family of people who I choose to be with and, of course, the 2 kiddies that I made. Because family doens’t mean being surrounded by your relatives.

Yes, you might be related to them. But if they dont support, respect, love and encourage you. Perhaps it’s time to find out what IS important for you.

I have dealt with this for quite some time in the past. My relationship with my mther has been intense, to say the least. When my parents got divorced, I knew it was the right time for me to end all contact with her. It would set me free instantly. Oh well, that’s what I thought back then. So there and then I decided to no longer talk to her, speak with her, or even see her. Such a strong decision!

Nope, it wasn’t a choice that I found easy to make. It was indeed one of the most difficult decisions ever. But I did it to protect myself. Because I needed this time away from her.
This time to heal myself. The last bit took me more than 10 years, but hey… I did it.

So, I had my mother who I had thrown out of my life. For me. Big step!
But there was my dad. He just couldn’t understand it. Couldn’t understand why I choose to no longer have contact with her. To remove her from my life entirely.

Up until the year before his death, he always told me “You only have 1 mother, please reconnect with her. Just try it, it’s not that bad.”

The first time he said this, I got so angry and sad. I mean, what was wrong with him for saying this? Sure, he also lived with her. He endured every crazy thing she did. He watched and stood by to see what she did to me and my life. It hurt me like crazy that he told me these things. Didn’t he see it? Didn’t he see that HE was hurting me now? It even came to the point where I quickly walked away, whenever he would try again. Just walk away and act as if it’s not happening.

But I got stronger. I knew I stood behind my choice. Out of protection for myself, for the people in my life, for my kids. So I started speaking up. Telling him “NO, I am not going to reconnect with her”.In the year before he died, he just didn’t mention it anymore. Perhaps he knew I couldn’t be persuaded otherwise, or perhaps he was at peace with it. Who knows…

So yeah, I know what its like to choose your own family. Choose who you want to surround yourself. Choose the people you want in your life. Choose the energy (positive or nagative) you want in your life.

So make this choice for you. You fucking deserve a family the way its meant to be. A group of people that love, support, encourage, and motivate you.
People that always want what’s best for you, even if they perhaps don’t understand it. But they stand by you, support you either way.

You decide what you want. Who you want in your life. It’s not an easy thing to do. But you deserve only the best.

So choose now…
Choose for love, pure self-love
Choose what you tolerate
Choose who you want in your life
Choose what you’re worth

Fed up with the constant battles? The constant taking you down? The constant fear of what comes next? Is that really the way you want to spend your life?

No?

No!

And you don’t need to!

So step up. Stand up for yourself. If any of your relatives treats you in a way that you don’t like? Say it! Just fucking say it. I mean, they tell you whatever they want without thinking of your actual needs. You need to set the boudaries and show them what you are made of.

You are strong.
You are loved
You are amazing
You are smart
You are creative
You are intelligent
You are gorgeous

You deserve the best! You are worth having amazing people in your life. It’s all just about knowing – deep within you – that you are worth being treated well. If someone treats you bad, even if it is family, make a decision.

You either stand up for yourself and say something about it (or end all contact if it’s getting too bad), or shut up and accept that it will never change.

So, what’s it going to be, my love? You decide!

Release and let go…

Big changes are happening to me. Recently I had my very last EMDR session. It was a difficult and extremely heavy process. A process that asked the most out of me, mentally and pshysically. But at the same time, it was a real enlightening process. A crazy combination, but exacty what it is meant to be. Namely, to relive everything and store these memories in a better way, which makes it all feels so much lighter in the end.

So right now, I am super excited about working on the future. Let the past be the past. Focus on heren and NOW, and the future.

But before that, it is finally time to do something. A special thing, that I never dared to do, up until now. That is writing a letter to my mother, with which I can find closure of many years of pain and hurt. Time to finish this chapter, and start a new one. Or even better, start a whole new book!

So, here I am. Gathering all my courage to hit publish on this post. Release and move on, sort of.

Because I just know that there is ALWAYS someone who needs to read this. Needs to see how strong we as humans are. No matter how bad a situation is…

Here we go

To my mother,

After all these ears, I still can’t call you mom. It’s too sweet, too loving. Drenched in unconditional love. Love that I just don’t feel for you. No matter how much better I feel now, it’s a title that you don’t deserve. You are my biological mother, but that’s all. I don’t have a mom, haven’t had that for years now.

Hell is a place that I have been in, because of you. Not only have I visited hell, I have lived there for many years. Because now I know: hell exists. Hell is a place that belongs to everyone. A place where anyone can come. No matter who you are, or what you do. It can happen to anyone.

Hell – It’s a place…
so dark
so lonely
so scary
so filled with monsters

Hell is a place that is just so extremely intense and dark that there seems to be no way out. Sure, there is 1 way out, and that is to end it. To end your life. And that idea only gave me some peace of mind for the last years. Knowing I could always end it. Finally have peace.

Do you realize how far you pushed me then? That I wasn’t even thinking about the consequences anymore? About what this would do to my amazing hubby? To my wonderful kids? How much pain they would go through if I would end my life? It did nothing to me. I couldn’t care less about what pain they would go through. All I cared about was finally getting my deserved peace.

Playing around with asprins. Thinking about how many I could take. How many I would need to take. Or asking, begging and even praying for a terrible accident to happen to me. Whatever was needed for me to feel something, or completely nothing anymore.

Meanwhile, I have learned that you are not OK. Mentally ill. That your illness should be something that makes sense of what you did.

Why you did what you did
Why you kept hurting me
Why you didn’t want me happy
Why you wanted to destroy it all
Why you acted all crazy
Why you had to steal things
And why you even turned to black magic. Against me!

You just did whatever you could to hurt me. Out of jealousy. Anger even. You hurt me to my core. Because everything that I did, was wrong. You rejected everything I did!

You disapproved my choices
You disapproved my body
you disapproved my love
You disapproved my creativity
You disapproved my knowlegde
You disapproved my personality
You disapproved ME.

My own mother, who disapproved her own flesh and blood. Her own child. ME.
I now know this is “the root of all evil”, in my past. My lack of self worth, self respect, love for myself. It all got to a level of extreme lows. Because: if my own mother can’t love me the way that I am, then what is my worth? Apparantly nothing.

For years this has been my inner voice. I didn’t know any better. You disapproved my very essence, so I just followed you in this. I started to disapprove myself too. Who I really was, just didn’t matter anymore. My very existence was not OK, so that’s what became my way of living. I became non-existent. Buried my true self deep down under, beacuse it was of no use anymore.

It even got to the point that I just couldn’t cry anymore. You told me I was not allowed to. It was a sign of weakness, was what you said. Even though I was dying inside from all the hurt, I was not allowed to cry. You thougt it was just nonsense to cry. So I buried that emotional part of me too.

Feeling emotions such as anger and fear? Sure, at first I was angry at you. It came to the point where I was consumed with anger, where I knew that I was pushed over the edge. Even that far, that I could actually understand why anyone would kill someone out of anger. I was constantly afraid of you and what you would do. But feeling angry or scared just didn’t help me at all. These were emotions that we not handy at all in this situation, so I finally shut all emotions out. I didn’t live anymore. I only tried to survive, day by day, week by week, year after year.

Talking about what was going on in our home was not an option. I was not allowed to. And if I ever did try anything, you payed your game. That’s what you’re good at. Acting. Acting as if nothing was going on. Acting as if we were just a normal family. Acting as if you were the most amazing, loving and caring mother. Acting as if I were the crazy one. Acting if it was all my fault.

For years on end I have done well. Fact is that I don’t see you anymore or speak to you anymore. I truly survived, even though it was all based on some strange coping skills. Not feeling emotions, being though, always going on. Just ask me and I’ll take care of it, no questions asked. Not at all thinking about what I need and want.

Till the point that I just couldn’t go on anymore. It was really up or down. Endig it all, or finding the right help. I got the help that I needed! The right help, at exactly the right time. My doctors took me serious. They took my story serious. Hell, the first doctor I spoke to, even saw the real damage in me, even though I didn’t see it at that time. And then fortunately, I got the so highly needed EMDR therapy.

Thanks to all the help I got, I now realize that I am worthy of living. That I even like myself, and that it’s more than OK to like myself. That I even find myself friendly, kind, loving, caring, funny, smart. Heck, I can just go on about this. But this is something I just recently learned, so it’s all new to me.

During one of the final EMDR sessions it hit me. I was always in search of the answer to the question “why you did these things to me”.

Many years I have searched for this answer. I not only wanted to know the answer, I wanted to understand it. Feel it, deep within me, on a soul level.

It got this power over me. I tried to imagine why you did it all. If I could ever do this to my kids. I read about it. Researched it. I spent so many hours trying to figure it out.
The things I read online were a source of recognition. Just reading the medical side of mentall illnesses gave me some form of relieve. I mean, I have known for ages that you are mentally ill. But reading this information made me learn so much more. It gave me so many new insights into you.

But did it give me the peace that I was looking for? This inner peace? Nope… Beacuse I wanted to know every damn thing. Surfing the internet, reading blogs, fora, medical researches. It consumed me!

My head was filled with new insights, to full to think normal. My heartrate was way too high. Adrenaline pumping through my body. And then it was time to go to bed… But sleeping? Now? No way! And that while sleep is so important to keep my fibromyalgia under control.

So during the last EMDR session, the question came up again (of course!).
* why did you do this to me?
* Am I not worthy of love?
* Am I not good enough?
* What have I done wrong?
* Why?

Serious questions. Questions that made me realize why I was always this unsecure. But now I know. I don’t need an answer to these questions. I am certainly not going to get these answers from you either.

And should I get it anyhow, it will probably be as meaningless and empty as you saying sorry to me some years ago. You remember, right? That email in which you finally said sorry. That email that is mostly filled with lies about why it took you so long. So here you have it, your “sorry” didn’t do anything. It didn’t change a thing.

But it’s OK. I let go now. I accept all of what’s happened. Hell yeah, now we’re at it: I even forgive you.

Not because what you did, is ok. Not because I understand it. But because it gives me peace. It is the way it is. It happened, and has been one hell of a life lesson.

A lesson in getting to know me. The real me. Learning about how strong and fierce I am. What I can handle as a human being. How far I can be pushed. Where my breaking point is.  And also that I accept myself for who I am. That it is OK to love myself. That it’s even required to love and accept myself unconditionally. And, that I can now inspire others with my life story.

Getting answers from you won’t change it. These are your answers. based on your perception, based on your life. Not ine, so it won’t resolve a thing for me.

I am me.
Shaped by my soul. Shaped by what happened in the past. Shaped by the choices I have made. The choices I am making today.

Because I honestly believe that we all get to choose who we are right here, right now. the kind of person you want to be.
Don’t want to live life being led by fear? Then choose this.
Don’t want to live life being led by sadness? Then choose this.

No, it’s not a choice that will come naturally. You will, you really WILL, fall back into making the same automated choices you always have. These choices have to be conscious choices to be a different person. To feel different. To think different. Every day again.

So: I now choose to go on. I choose to feel good. I now choose to, always, see the positive sides of everything. No matter how hard it can be. No matter how difficult some situations are.

I sincerly hope that you will get the help you so desperatly need, so that you too can feel better. Because I know this is not the way you want to live. Should live. Because no one should live this way that you do.

Thank you for all the life lessons I have learned this way. It was an immense rollercoaster ride. But I have learned my lesson. It is done now.

I let go.
I let you go.